High-pitched shrieks, bodies lie dead in the streets

In today’s New Vision we read that Ugandan First Lady Janet “Silver Girl” Museveni, aka the Honourable Member from Ruhama, aka “Gloves Off” took Kenyans by surprise when she country aboard a Scandinavian Express bus.

That’s right. A bus.

She was leading a delegation of farmers from her constituency on an agricultural tour. By bus.

Well, whooptie-doo.

According to the story on the front page of the Vision, which I am bastardizing by lifting sentences from it, correcting their punctuation, then adding a few words of my own, SG’s arrival in Eldoret “amazed and impressed the Kenyans.”

Eldoret resident 1: “What’s all the ruckus about?”
Eldoret Resident 2: “A busload of Ugandans just rolled up.”
Eldoret resitent 3: “Another one? Gasp! That is impressive! I am amazed! How do they keep doing that? Every single day!”
Eldoret Resident 4: “I know! Anaa one! Hey, pass the miraa.”

Also in the news, Kony’s stupid ass is still making ludicrous demands. Where is Jack Bauer when you need him? Oh yeah, there he is: inhabiting a fictitious world. And Superman is still in the closet. (No really, that movie was like the gayest portrayal of Superman that I have ever seen. I am sure Dean Cain and Tom Welling would have teamed up with the estate of Christopher Reeve to beat the crap out of Brandon Routh if it wasn’t for the facts that Welling is glad someone made a gayer Superman than his, and Cain really is gay, like in real life.)

Bush was on Andrew Mwenda Live on Friday and he said a true word in jest. He hazarded a guess: that Kony, for years bereft of political agenda and suddenly in urgent need of one, has taken to skimming the op-ed and letters pages of The Monitor looking for grievances to appropriate for the talks. That’s why he demands federo and such.

The PAMAs party was at Kati Kati over the weekend. Lots of singers performed. In the Ugandan press we call them artists, by the way. No one ever uses the word singer or musician. Gatimo and Paragon performed Ani Akumanyi, which rocks.
Someone asked me what the world “hell” meant. I was able to answer without hesitation that hell is what happens when the singing voice of Sara Zawedde somehow manages to convert itself into a physically inhabitable form.
I know I am prone to exaggerations, but believe me, you do not want to test me on this.