Higher Learning
First the apology for the long and unexplained absence. I was ill, so I had to go to my mummy’s house where I could be surrounded not only by the warmth of love, but also with home-cooked meals, Series Channel and NBA games on ESPN.
But I am better now (thanks for praying) and am back in the squalor and dinginess of Chez Baz, where I spend the nights alone, eat chips out of a paper bag and watch PPTV. Which is, as always, a non-stop array of reasons to tug at your hair out by the roots.
This Sunday, the day I got back, I landed on the Celtel University Challenge on UTV. Universities from East Africa go head to head in a quiz contest. This week it was Ndejje versus Moi University .
It was a bloodbath. A massacre. Ndejje 50 points, Moi 600.
Let me say that again.
50.
600.
One more time.
50 points.
Six fucking hundred.
Needless to say Ndejje University students have become very scarce in the region since then. Either they are in hiding, or they are pretending to be O’level dropouts because they don’t want to admit their affiliation with the sort of LOSER who gets thrashed by FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POINTS!!!
(For Ndejje students, 550 points is what you get when you subtract 50 from 600. A little something called Maths.)
Man, have you guys no pride? Didn’t it occur to any of you when you were down 200 points to just cut your losses and go home? Just put up your hand and ask for permission to use the toilet and then, once you are outside and alone, start running and don’t stop until you are in Luweero. When you get there, find a witchdoctor (I hear there are a dozen per square mile in that area) and ask him to sacrifice a hyena or something. Whatever it takes. Cos you neeeeeeeeed help!
Fifty points to six hundred. People are going to think Ugandans are dwanzis. Wharrabout.
UPDATE:
I got the numbers wrong. Apparently they got four questions correct in the fourth quarter and that bumped their score from 50 to 200. So when I said Ndejje had been crushed in a humiliating Humiliating HUMILIATING fashion, that was so SHAMEFUL it probably caused their TESTICLES to SHRIVEL up and die (in the case of the chick on the team, her metaphorical testicles.) so that they would never ever get kids and that these genes would stop here and now... I was still right. This is not an apology.
But I am better now (thanks for praying) and am back in the squalor and dinginess of Chez Baz, where I spend the nights alone, eat chips out of a paper bag and watch PPTV. Which is, as always, a non-stop array of reasons to tug at your hair out by the roots.
This Sunday, the day I got back, I landed on the Celtel University Challenge on UTV. Universities from East Africa go head to head in a quiz contest. This week it was Ndejje versus Moi University .
It was a bloodbath. A massacre. Ndejje 50 points, Moi 600.
Let me say that again.
50.
600.
One more time.
50 points.
Six fucking hundred.
Needless to say Ndejje University students have become very scarce in the region since then. Either they are in hiding, or they are pretending to be O’level dropouts because they don’t want to admit their affiliation with the sort of LOSER who gets thrashed by FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POINTS!!!
(For Ndejje students, 550 points is what you get when you subtract 50 from 600. A little something called Maths.)
Man, have you guys no pride? Didn’t it occur to any of you when you were down 200 points to just cut your losses and go home? Just put up your hand and ask for permission to use the toilet and then, once you are outside and alone, start running and don’t stop until you are in Luweero. When you get there, find a witchdoctor (I hear there are a dozen per square mile in that area) and ask him to sacrifice a hyena or something. Whatever it takes. Cos you neeeeeeeeed help!
Fifty points to six hundred. People are going to think Ugandans are dwanzis. Wharrabout.
UPDATE:
I got the numbers wrong. Apparently they got four questions correct in the fourth quarter and that bumped their score from 50 to 200. So when I said Ndejje had been crushed in a humiliating Humiliating HUMILIATING fashion, that was so SHAMEFUL it probably caused their TESTICLES to SHRIVEL up and die (in the case of the chick on the team, her metaphorical testicles.) so that they would never ever get kids and that these genes would stop here and now... I was still right. This is not an apology.
Comments
Do u call him "Daddy" too??
Just askin.
Lemme get back to the post
Embarrassing. And my folks sujjested I go there for my undergrad. I'd be hog now.
Otherwise, welcome back. Uganda's funniest man.
so much for higher learning we have certainly gone down the sewer not even the drain pipe.simply trash we cannot even hold down a simple competion and we have the nerve to talk about east african federation!joshi a round of kiboko for ndejje!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didnt even have to read the rest, I was already laughing...
When I felt like teething some more, i came back and read the rest
Shite, man. Those aren't O Level drop-outs. We would get slightly more than that! Or are you insulting us? :o)
They need help. They need to drop out.
Sorry abt the malaria atleast u better.
You ARE the funniest, really. Mbu run all the way to Luweero to find a witchdoctor...killer stuff.
But seriously those are problems- big ones!!!
You owe me Kshs. 440.
Folks its a crisis. I work in a bank (ani akumanyi) but i notice that students of mostly Ndejje, Bugema Uni's dont even know how to fill in a tution bank slip!!!!!!!!!
Imagine that.
like Cheri, i kinda think it wasn't malaria...but oh well...
the ndejje thing, they were in it for the money. don't you know how Ugandans be?
you pull out your hair too? oh goodie! i feel better!
I can see though why some folks think you might be Uganda's funniest. I begin to see. It begins to dawn on me. The vision is coming...
as for the quiz its like 10-nill on a foot ball pitch.lol!dont think we will ever recover especially it was a firstie session kubanga its tounge tying.
How'z Mum? Not like you..
Why thank you Sam. Good to be back.
LC, my friends from MUK and MUBS assured me that they will redeem our nation's pride.
Ish, if there was a Uni challenge in India wouldn't it take like 15 years? Si ku all those universities you guys have.
Twentysaba, at risk of repeating myself, you never lie, do you?
Be Silent, Nkumba people look intelligent. I have seen them at the beach. Fingers crossed.
Minty, where are you hiding?
My KC De Mi Vida, I libated on your behalf at BHH, so I guess we're even.
Joshi, you know I am scared of you and your askari equipment, but I am going to stick to my guns on this one. Luweero = juju.
Heaven! Yeah, I went to my mummy. Wanna make something of it?
Anon, it is easy to get jaded. I have seen applications for writing jobs from various universities too. Horrendous.
Iwaya, are we beefing again?
QueenB, it was your prayers. Thank you.
AnonII, Stay away from my moms. I'm serious. She'll kick your ass all the way back to Ndejje.