Andrew Mwenda Versus Ernest Bazanye

I have been jealous of that guy for pretty much all my career. Because it is not fair: why can’t I be taken seriously, too?
Well, if there is one way to beat him, it is in this, what we in the press call a “scoop”. A scoop is when one gets the big story before the competition.
(If you are through laughing at the notion of Mwenda considering me “competition”, may we continue?)
Here we go now: cutting edge, exclusive, so hot and fresh, I bring you the news even before it happens: a transcript of Yoweri Museveni’s inauguration. You know you can’t get this sort of dope from Monitor!

One damp morning at Kololo Airstrip.
Chubby bald man rolls up a little podium and bongas another man, who is wearing a wig and bathrobe.

Kags: Dude. It’s me. Back again.
Chief Justice: Welcome, sir. What’ll it be, the usual?
Kags. Yeah. Swear me in. Does Nandos deliver to Kololo airstrip?
CJ: Nasasira will sort that out. Okay, stand over there, put your hand on the Constitution. You know the drill.
Kags: It’s like riding a bike. Several times. Hey, you guys got a new Constitution!
CJ: It's the same one. We just changed it a bit. Now, repeat after me. I, Kagu…
Kags: Repeat after you? I already know the thing by heart. I Kagu hereby swear to run the country until next time when I come back to swear again.
CJ: I know declare you Still President of Uganda.
Kags: I could use a chicken pizza right about now. Where’s Nasasira?

Comments

bikozulu said…
It's the third shame of a nation.But I sort of like Kags, when he came to our country when our wheelchair prezo was having a golf club and a bible delivered to him on his inaguration, we heckeled him when he stood to make his speech and he had the nerve to point in the crowd and growl "Nyamazeni!".The cheek!...LOL...in OUR own country!!!
11:06 AM, May 13, 2006
Anonymous said…
"chubby bald man"... "wig and bathrobe"-- hilarious! Be afraid, Mwenda, lol.
10:48 PM, May 13, 2006
Jay said…
One of these years he is goping to be wheelchaired to the inauguration. Now that he can rule as long as he wants.
1:06 PM, May 14, 2006
Jane said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
4:28 AM, May 15, 2006
Jane said…
And to Mwenda we chant; "Nana, naana...Nana, naana...Eh, eh, eehhh...Goodbye."
4:30 AM, May 15, 2006
Anonymous said…
Your Kenyan stalker here. Thanks for making my Monday!! For those asking, "Nyamazeni" means shut up. It's true, Kags told Kenyans to shut up in their own country. By the way, I live in Nairobi (although I come to Ug quite often). I'm female and yes, I know Ugandan women got more booty. Respeck.
9:12 AM, May 15, 2006
bikozulu said…
@Anonymous.Niaje? Im Kenyan as well,Im in Nai too. And yes,I agree, no one can hold a candle to a Ugandan woman's booty! I love all of Baz's bad ideas.Nway, I don't mean to sound churlish, but you understand your being kenyan won't exempt you from the Ugs 100k(about 5k) sorority fee. Plz facilitate the same.
11:34 AM, May 15, 2006
Anonymous said…
Oh dear, Baz. Looks like your loyal readers are extortionists. Ok, let's make a deal Bikozulu: if you can outdrink me (Tusker Malt, any Breweries product of your choice) the Ushs. 100k is yours. Be afraid, be very afraid.
1:10 PM, May 15, 2006
bikozulu said…
@Anonymous.You talk too much lady, drop ya number on bachelor_2007@hotmail.com. Baz,im sorry I have to make your blog a beer competition forum.But the lady just dared me back there and no one dares a zulu..NO ONE!
3:03 PM, May 15, 2006
Baz said…
Funny. I thought he said, "Laba nyama zino."

But bikozulu, those styles of corruption and extortion are what made me think you were Ugandan. I don't know who to bet on in this drinking contest, though...
6:38 PM, May 15, 2006
Anonymous said…
alot of isssues on the table...booty contests and beer contests and chicken pizza that I want some of.
now here is how to prevent the event involving the chubby man and the wigged one from occuring one more time: Intercept pizza delivery to Kololo(Im assuming they are still waiting)and add one extra topping.
call 1-800-scotch if you care to get the topping from me!
6:17 AM, May 16, 2006
Jane said…
Just a little input here; I know I am being a 'kanjanja-ist' but can u kindly quit the "anonymous" thing, it is way too stale.
4:54 PM, May 16, 2006
Carlo said…
BIKOZULU! would that be some cross between Steve Biko and Shaka Zulu? you're one BIG man then . . . pun unintended. and stop monopolizing baz's comments. ok, wait, don't stop. they're almost as interesting to read as the post itself. as for baz, i've always prefered you to loud-mouth Mwenda. i've been an avid reader since my early days, that should tell you how young i am . . . and how old you are. hehehe!
6:16 PM, May 16, 2006
ish said…
mwenda has hurt my feelings on several occasions! he advertises his phone number, but nigga don't pick up unless it's a number he recognizes! ever noticed it's the same ol' 5 callers each time he takes questions?? u over him any day!
3:25 AM, May 17, 2006
Baz said…
Carlo, I'll just continue reading the Colonel's memoirs in the paper until he says, "In this year my daughter was born..."
2:15 PM, May 17, 2006
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