Fuck Alex Ndawula. Baz for President 2006

Were I to become president of Uganda- which is the dread situation I am here to write about- I would begin my reign by instituting sweeping social and political reforms. The fact that I call my tenure as leader a”reign” should be a good indicator of what shape these reforms will take. That’s right: dictatorship.

The first thing I shall do is abolish democracy and snatch all your citizen’s rights away, because it has become evident over the past 20 years that, not only do you not appreciate them, you don't deserve them either. You don't register to vote, you don't know your LC chairpersons, you go to Makerere and fail to understand that the word “peaceful” when paired with the word “demonstration” does not permit looting of shops or throwing of stones.

Ugandans with democratic rights are like children with sharp objects. Yes, there are some who can find a way to put them to good use, but in general, a responsible adult needs to come along and take them away before someone gets badly hurt. The solution to Uganda’s problems lies in disenfranchisement and redemption from our woes can be found only under the yoke of tyranny. My tyranny.

THE ECOMONY
Take for example the way you use the gross domestic product. Its steady increase has benefited some of you a whole lot more than it has benefited others, but what do you fortunate few do with it? Make yourselves a nuisance to the rest of us. You buy bulky gas-guzzling automobiles which clog up the roads ensuring traffic jams that make a two kilometre trip into town take an hour to complete.

A normal walking Ugandan occupies at least one square foot of space. A rich Ugandan in a Pajero occupies more than fifty times that much. It is all that extra space that causes traffic jams, which, as we all know lead to increased stress, which leads to overconsumption of alcohol, which leads to sexual impotence which leads to a lower birth rate which means Uganda itself diminishes- less Ugandans means less Uganda. You understand why I should be the one who decides who gets to drive what and when?


MEDIA AND FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION
Not only will I personally oversee the distribution of wealth, I shall also take a firm stand as regards the press. Now, everyone who knows me knows that I am a fanatic when it comes to freedom of speech. If someone shouts fire in a crowded theatre, you should shout "She's lying, there is no fire" in a louder and more authoritative voice. And I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend your right to say the most absurd, bigoted, misguided, ludicrous, obscene and silly things. As long as sense has the right to respond by calling you a blithering idiot. However, I do believe there is a limit to freedom of press. Wait- let me finish expressing myself here.

There is a limit. Radio Deejays who fake accents. Class A felons. There will be a special concentration camp just for you.

RELIGION
Separation of church and state is vital for any nation to succeed, especially one with as many different faiths as Uganda. But then again, there is a pastor in Kireka who makes us wonder whether we should not reconsider. The pastor drives a Lexus SUV. This is clearly a sign. Everything in the world already belongs to God. But I think it wouldn’t hurt to let Caesar take what belongs to him. Tax tax tax!

After we tax the pastors, the church and the state shall work together to devise a system of taxing people for the various iniquities they commit (so they literally pay for their sins). Both parties stand to gain, for example, if fornication carries a high tax, because the church can claim that it is a deterrent, and the state, which knows that there nothing that can serve as a deterrent when it comes to fornication, can collect large sums every weekend.

These are just some of the few ways I shall usher in an era of peace and prosperity for myself if you made the mistake of electing me. And I am not the worst possible choice. So, do vote, because I may be just joking around here but there is someone out there campaigning who is wrong for this country, and only your vote can prevent him or her from getting into power.