If you have been wondering why James Banda has been walking with a slight limp lately..
Scene- Evil Overlord’s Lair. 0130 hours. Henchmen bundle in a dishevelled metrosexual; his black Armani suit tattered and torn, his designer shave scraggy, a trickle of blood running down his chin messing up his foundation. Evil Overlord in swivel chair swivels round to face them.
Henchman 1: Sir, here is the bastard.
Metrosexual: (Defiantly) I am not a bastard. My name is Banda, James Banda, agent 077.
Evil Overlord: I’ve been expecting you Mr Banda. Have a seat. Would you like a drink? Chibuku, shaken not stirred?
Banda: Negative. My mouth is not working. Not after the beating I just got from your henchmen outside.
Evil Overlord: I presume you know why I brought you here?
Banda: Affirmative.
Evil Overlord: You lied to me, Mr Banda. Your website said a Nokia 2600 will be able to receive Yello Pix and Yello Live but then your customer service people turned around and said it cannot. And by then it was too late. I had already bought a damn Nokia 2600. You lied to me, Mr Banda. And no one, (voice rises to a furious shriek) no one lies to BAZFINGER!
Banda: Um. Okay. No one gives Bazfinger a breath mint either, apparently. (Overlord was screaming into Banda’s face).
Bazfinger: We shall see how clever you are in a few seconds. (Rumbling sound in the background).
Banda: What is going to happen?
Bazfinger: I’ll give you a hint. Three words: “Torture reaching levels of cruelty you never before imagined possible”. Ten words, I mean.
Banda: You expect me to talk?
Bazfinger: No, you lying bitch, I expect you to shit yourself from the pain! Look at the phone I bought! It’s fucking useless! No Yellopix!
Banda: I am not afraid. Do your worst…
Bazfinger: Oh, I’m not the one going to be administering the torture. I shall be leaving shortly to watch the show from a comfy sofa in the next room. Those cameras you see mounted on the walls shall relay the proceedings live to my plasma screen in the home theatre next door. And I have henchwomen to bring popcorn… Ah, here come my torture experts. Frau Frabissina and…
Banda: (Incredulously) Steve Urkel?
Bazfinger: No, that’s Martias, formerly of EATV.
Banda: (The horror finally dawns on him) Aaaaaargghh!!!
Bazfinger: Yes! Martias! Muahahahahaha!
Henchman 1: Sir, here is the bastard.
Metrosexual: (Defiantly) I am not a bastard. My name is Banda, James Banda, agent 077.
Evil Overlord: I’ve been expecting you Mr Banda. Have a seat. Would you like a drink? Chibuku, shaken not stirred?
Banda: Negative. My mouth is not working. Not after the beating I just got from your henchmen outside.
Evil Overlord: I presume you know why I brought you here?
Banda: Affirmative.
Evil Overlord: You lied to me, Mr Banda. Your website said a Nokia 2600 will be able to receive Yello Pix and Yello Live but then your customer service people turned around and said it cannot. And by then it was too late. I had already bought a damn Nokia 2600. You lied to me, Mr Banda. And no one, (voice rises to a furious shriek) no one lies to BAZFINGER!
Banda: Um. Okay. No one gives Bazfinger a breath mint either, apparently. (Overlord was screaming into Banda’s face).
Bazfinger: We shall see how clever you are in a few seconds. (Rumbling sound in the background).
Banda: What is going to happen?
Bazfinger: I’ll give you a hint. Three words: “Torture reaching levels of cruelty you never before imagined possible”. Ten words, I mean.
Banda: You expect me to talk?
Bazfinger: No, you lying bitch, I expect you to shit yourself from the pain! Look at the phone I bought! It’s fucking useless! No Yellopix!
Banda: I am not afraid. Do your worst…
Bazfinger: Oh, I’m not the one going to be administering the torture. I shall be leaving shortly to watch the show from a comfy sofa in the next room. Those cameras you see mounted on the walls shall relay the proceedings live to my plasma screen in the home theatre next door. And I have henchwomen to bring popcorn… Ah, here come my torture experts. Frau Frabissina and…
Banda: (Incredulously) Steve Urkel?
Bazfinger: No, that’s Martias, formerly of EATV.
Banda: (The horror finally dawns on him) Aaaaaargghh!!!
Bazfinger: Yes! Martias! Muahahahahaha!
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