The Interview

“The true measure of civilisation is not told in how we treat our friends; it is in how we treat those that are not our friends. The standards of freedom are not defined by how we treat those who agree with us, but how we treat those who do
not.”

-Eminem-

We have a very special guest with us tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Mahmood Ahmedinejad!

MA: Yo! Word em up! What’s crackin’ y’all.

Baz: I should explain that the Iranian president is speaking through an interpreter who we located in the Bedford-Stuyvesant neighbourhood of Brooklyn, New York. Mr President, controversy has arisen over your desire to attend the FIFA soccer World Cup finals in Germany. There is quite a lobby of people who think you should not go.

MA: That’s some playa hatin’ right there. Why people be trippin like this? All I’m tryina do is get my game on, and people be trippin’!

Baz: The problem is what you stand for. You are widely viewed as an evil anti-Semite who wants to get nuclear weapons and blow up the world.

MA: Dawg! I just wanna rep my hood, Iran.

Baz: Let me put it to you directly—are you an evil anti-Semite who wants to blow up the world?

MA: Let me put this to you, dawg—ye aint ridin. Ye ain’t bumping like I’m bumpin. Ye ain’t fresh azimiz!

Baz: Can we get another interpreter please?

(Bit of kavuyo as interpreter is replaced).

Finally, Baz: Mr President, I repeat the question-- are you an evil anti-Semite who wants to blow up the world with nuclear devices?

MA: My opinion of the Jewish state is that it is a very nice place and I’m sure the people there are very sweet, and I actually like aspects of their culture and lifestyle. For example, what is the name of that rapper guy? The one who’s name is as hard to pronounce as my own? Matsushita? Whatever. I am not against everything Israeli. Just a bit here and there but I think we can work it out with a bit of talk, open-minded discussion, a bit of dialogue… Maybe over a bit of some nice Iranian chai, you know?

Baz: Interpreter, is that really what he said?

Interpreter: Okay, not really. I kind of polished it up a bit.

Baz: What did he really say?

Interpreter: Fuck Israel.

Baz: Sigh.

Intertpreter: And fuck Matisyahu